28th December 2024 question-box

So, the very first question we answered from the question box, is a really interesting one:

“What is the biblical response to gaslighting?”

In case you haven’t heard of that word: “Gaslighting” is when someone uses lies and manipulation to make you think you’re crazy. It’s a form of control, where some might end up really dependant on the person who is gaslighting them.

It’s good that the question asks for a biblical response. Because one of the core values of the bible is truth. We want to know the truth about God and about ourselves. And a key part of that truth is that you are loved and valued by God himself, and thus you are not worthless.

My short answer to the question is: stay in a community of truth and love. In the bible, Ephesians chapter 4 is all about the kind of community we should be in Christ. In Ephesians, it warns us to beware of “the cunning and craftiness of people…” and “Instead [to be a community who is] speaking the truth in love” to each other (Ephesians 4:15). It’s really important that you are part of a community where trustworthy people can speak the truth to you.

See gaslighting works by someone isolating you, and feeding you lies. And so, let’s imagine a scenario, where there’s a young Christian girl, and after church one Sunday, she gets into the car with her boyfriend and he says: “You were so rude today, I can’t believe you treated me like that.” She didn’t think she was rude…but if she’s isolated, she’ll be left wondering: “Was I? Maybe I am disrespectful…” But then imagine she has a community of trustworthy people in her small group; what she can do on Wednesday night is pull one of them aside and say: “Hey remember Sunday… was I rude…? or I am just imagining it…?” At least then she can figure out if it is gaslighting…

OK then, but how do you respond to the person who is gaslighting you? Really depends who they are. You need wisdom for each specific situation… In some cases you can just keep your distance or block their number… But if they are someone who’s going to be an ongoing part of your life: then they need to have their sin gently pointed out, they need to recognise it for what it is, so that they get the help they need to change. Again, you’re not all alone, because if the person won’t listen to you, then Christian community can be part of that as they speak truth in love.

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This question was originally answered in our evening service on 15 September 2024. I’ll aim to post another question and answer next week. You can read about how our question box works here.

Andrew Vines