How do you forgive someone who has really wronged you?
We know that we should forgive… but how, when it really hurts? Well to answer this question maybe we can think through the story of Joseph in the Old Testament.
Do you remember what happened to Joseph? His brothers were jealous of the way their father loved him, so threw him down a well, and then sold him to slave traders… And as a result of this Joseph ended up spending thirteen years of his life in an Egyptian prison, no contact with family; he didn’t even know whether his father was alive or dead. I can’t really imagine how deeply that would hurt! And it definitely took time for Joseph to work through forgiveness. But let me point out a few steps along the way:
The first thing is the Joseph recognised God’s grace to him: When Joseph’s wife gave birth to two boys, look at what he did: Joseph named his firstborn Manasseh and said, “It is because God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father’s household.” The second son he named Ephraim and said, “It is because God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering.” (Genesis 41:51-52). So the first thing we need to do is to recognise that if God loves us, then yes things happen which hurt, which hurt deeply… and yet in the bigger picture God is doing something good for us, which in the end will outweigh all our suffering. This step really is the crucial bit. Until you can resolve your hurt before God, you will not be able to extend forgiveness to someone else. Notice that to “forget” here doesn’t mean he has memory loss – I mean he’s able to move on from it. it means the pain doesn’t consume his life anymore. It only when you recognise God’s grace, that you can let go of a desire for revenge.
The second thing is that Joseph is willing to see where the other person stands. You might remember for Joseph this is a long process, where over a number of encounters he tests his brothers he wants to see if they’ve changed. (Genesis 42:15) Because if the other person shows no remorse, then you can do step one, but it’s hard to go right to the end of the process. With some people you just have to pray for them and leave it to God. But if you’re open to restoring things, then you’ll be open to seeing where the other person stands, there’s a chance.
OK, eventually, Joseph is convinced that his brothers are safe, and he reveals his identity, and expresses his love for his brothers. He is clear that they have done wrong; he says: “I’m here because you sold me..” But he also expresses that his love for them is greater than their sin. “…he kissed all his brothers and wept over them.” (Genesis 45:15.)
Lastly, the time comes when their father dies, and the brothers are a bit scared that Joseph might be secretly planning revenge. But Joseph: reassures them of his love, and of God’s. “Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives…” (Genesis 52:19-20).
Like I said, these four steps didn’t happen in a day, they happened over years… but if we have been so forgiven by God for our sins, then let’s be willing to move ahead with others.
This question was originally answered in our evening service on 14 September 2025. I’ll aim to post another question and answer next week. You can read about how our question box works here.
